how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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