guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
