I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
