They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
tell me about the eggs
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
