Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
