i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
