it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
