There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
