My vagina just recognized that song.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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