32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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