how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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