I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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