i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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