My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
