Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
