Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
