im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
