I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
