You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
