Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
