just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
