You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
