Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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