you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
