i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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