his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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