you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
