I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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