So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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