If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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