I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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