just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
