My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
