Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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