My nipple is on Facebook.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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