How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
