I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
