Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
