he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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