I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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