Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
