When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
