bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm always down for nudity.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
