My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
