my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
