please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
