I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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