Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
