I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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