I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
